The Death Totem

When I was 8-years-old, I met my best friend. We were going to the same summer camp and his mother and sister were in my cabin. Normally, boys were not allowed in girls' cabins, but they made an exception for him because his mom was the counselor for my cabin. One day, I was feeling a little sick, so I went back to the cabin early. Just as I was changing into my pajamas, this boy I've never met opens the door and sees me. We were both paralyzed, like a deer in the headlights. He quickly apologized and ran back outside. Later, his mother showed up and forced him to express his deepest remorse for not knocking before entering. 

African Tribes often have Diviners that
 practice soothsaying by blowing into
 the mouth of a snake

It was later that night, when we were roasting marshmallows, that he asked if he could sit next to me. I accepted his request and before we knew it, we had become best friends. He told me everything and I did the same. We relied on each other. He relied on me to listen, and I relied on him for friendship (I was home-schooled at the time so I didn't have many other friends). After camp ended, we went to church together and skipped the service to roll around in the dirt, dig up worms, and play "Tag". For the next three years, that's what we'd do. We would show up to Bible class dirty, and that was expected of us- we were never on time. 

His name was Trevor and my friendship with him still haunts me today. 

Trevor had other friends; he was a "popular" boy, but he hated his friends. He told me about all the awful pranks they'd pull on him, but never on each other. They called him names and bullied his younger sister. He once asked me if he could live with me. I thought he was just being silly. I later found strange bruises in odd places and his father always insisted that he fell. His mother rarely spoke.

When I was 10, I moved away to Texas. Before I left, Trevor looked sadder than I've ever seen him, almost as if he had given up. I gave him my new mailing address and he promised to send me a letter. I waited two years for that letter, but it never came.

I was in 7th grade, now in public school, when an old acquaintance from our Bible class in California sent me an email. After the casual small talk like, "Hey! How have you been?" she mentioned something strange. She said "Did you see pictures from Trevor's memorial service? It was beautiful". 

I sat straight up, staring at the computer screen for what seemed like hours. I hoped she had made a typo. I replied, "What do you mean"? All she could say was "You didn't know? He died about a month after you left".

A woman spreads ashes into the
 Ganges River in India

I didn't talk to anyone about it. I felt somehow betrayed by Trevor. How could he leave me before he sent me a letter? The thought of receiving his letters were all that gave me hope while I was being horrendously bullied at my new school. When people called me names, pushed me into my locker, or started rumors about me, I only thought about what his letter would say and that distracted me from my pains. I never got those letters, though. I never would speak with him again. 

A few years later, I asked that girl how he died. She answered "Suicide". I never talked to her again.

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You may be wondering why I just told you this story, but any Freudian may already know the answer. Trevor is my Totem. Before I had learned of his death, the idea of finding a letter from him gave me hope. Now, everything I do is for Trevor because life was tough on him and he'll never be able to experience the things I'm experiencing now. I like to believe that he can now live through me and maybe, I can help someone else who feels like Trevor- someone who wants to end their own life. 

In Freud's essay "Totem and Taboo", he defines a "Totem" as something (most likely an animal, that represents a Deity and can bring good things to the tribe. This definition, in my opinion, is incomplete. 

A Totem doesn't have to bring joy or other good things to a group of people; it can bring anything to one person, or the whole world. A totem can be a living thing, it can be inanimate, it can be an idea, or it can be a dead person.

A Shrine for Dia de los Muertos

Using a dead person as a Totem may sound a bit Taboo, but I'm sure Freud would beg to differ. Every culture has a different way to grieve, and many cultures tend to hold on tightly to the dead and never let them go. We panic if an old artifact from our long-deceased grandmother is damaged, we hold on to every letter we've received from a late soldier who lost his life in a war, we have t-shirts with pictures of our late loved ones and wear them every year on their birthday and on the anniversary of their death. In Mexico, they celebrate a holiday called “Dia de los Muertos” (Day of the Dead) which celebrates the lives of those they lost. It’s a very upbeat occasion where people dress up, make sugar skulls and delicious treats, and pray to the spirits of their ancestors. In some parts of Africa, they believe in a God and believe there is no heaven or hell. However, if the person is not properly buried, that person will be punished in the afterlife for however long the God believes is just. If a member of the tribe does horrible things in life, surviving members of the tribe will make it impossible to bury him correctly, such as burning the body, feeding him to animals, or chopping them up in many pieces. They believe that an improper burial will subject the spirit to roam the Earth forever as a ghost.

Many psychologists have found a system of grieving that goes across all cultures. They compiled their data and created the “Five Stages of Grieving”:

1) Denial: The griever refuses to believe their loved one is gone. They still believe, against all logic, that they will still be able to talk to them, touch them, and see them again.

2) Anger: They become angry at the world, at God, at who ever- or whatever- is responsible for this. Some may resort to self harm as they may be angry at themselves for their role in the person’s death.

3) Bargaining:  Many people wish they could have died in place of their loved one. “Why them? Why couldn't I go instead?” “I’d give all my worldly possessions just to see them again”

4) Depression: At this stage, people may begin drinking heavily, hurting themselves further, or contemplating suicide. They don’t think their life will ever be the same and they don’t want anybody else’s help. They may cry themselves to sleep every night. This is the most dangerous stage of grief.

5) Acceptance: They say you must “let them go” or “be free”, but that’s easier said than done. This last stage does not come at the same time for every person. Once the person is ready, they will let go, but never forget, that person. They will be able to move on with their life and return to their new normal. This part may take a few weeks, a few months, or many years. You cannot force this step. Once it happens, it happens.

Grief is different for every person. Some may go through stage two before they go through stage one, others may skip stages all together, and a few may become fixated on one stage. There are reports of grieving people breaking all sorts of laws because they’re still so angry. In this case, their totem is their broken grief- possibly caused by the lack of closure or a traumatic event. It makes them violent or stupid. Even if someone goes through each and every stage, they can still carry the memory of their deceased around with them wherever they go.       

Some psychologists call it "Freezing" when a person keeps their fallen loved one's bedroom exactly as they left it. They will go in there for a few minutes, smell his or her old blankets or clothing, then leave. Nothing in the room is washed, moved, or touched in any way. Some military mothers and wives will wear the dog tags of their late loved ones, thinking it will keep them close to their heart. For some, the dog tags ate their totem, for others it’s letters, or keeping the room exactly as the deceased left it.  

A Man at a Japanese Shrine.
These shrines allow people to pray to the
dead and ask for good fortune that year.

In our culture, it is very common to partake in these “strange” practices when someone you love passes away. For me, Trevor is my totem; he reminds me to be a better person, to do my best, and to find a reason to smile every day. I know I did everything I could to hold on to Trevor. I look at the one picture I have of him and I see the story of a boy who was never happy and never had an escape. Perhaps, if I knew all the signs of a suicidal individual back then, I might have seen something strange and told an adult about it. I wish I could have stopped him, but there was nothing I could do. Now, all I have are my memories of him, and for me, that's enough because nobody can tamper with them.